The pregnancy test was barely dry. Already, I could not contain my excitement. In that moment, life was already different and in nine more months, absolutely everything would never be the same again. At that moment, I never realised just how true that sentiment would turn out be.
My pregnancy with my first baby Hope progressed as easily and smoothly as a first time expectant Mum could ever hope for.
I wasn’t sick a single day, I felt better than I’ve ever felt and I had that glow that people often speak of. I felt like I was floating. I adored being pregnant. I loved the attention and I loved to stroke my ever growing bump and dream of days in the not too distant future when I’d be mothering my precious little bundle.
But at the finish line, in fact four days past the finish line, things went horribly wrong. I’d been in early labour for three days. I had already once been sent home from hospital and I was confused as to what my labouring body was doing. Four days past my due date, scared my normally active little baby wasn’t moving, I went back to hospital for my routine ante natal check up to find out my precious baby was gone. She had died inside of me and in that moment of complete shock and horror, it felt as if I died with her.
The following day was the most beautiful and horrific day of my life. I was induced and gave birth to my gorgeous eight pound baby girl. We named her Hope. Our precious little Hope, who had slipped away silently inside my body as she was trying to be born.
Before the contractions really picked up their pace, I was given a message that a friend had organized a photographer to come to the hospital to take photos of Hope. I was confused. She was dead. Surely this photographer had the wrong message. Surely it was too morbid and awful to take photos of a dead baby. But the message was right. He was coming.
Gavin Blue arrived a couple of hours after Hope was born. She’d been bathed and dressed by this point, like any newborn baby, and he spent a couple of hours quietly buzzing around my husband and myself getting some touching family portraits of the new, heartbroken family of three.
At the time it felt like some sort of out of body experience. I couldn’t believe it was real. It didn’t feel quite right, but deep down part of me knew these photos would be incredibly important to me as the months and years went by.
And I was right. The photos arrived in my email inbox a few days later, followed by dozens of printed copies and all I wanted to do was show them to the world. And I did. I showed them to anyone who would ask, and then sometimes to people who didn’t ask. My daughter was real and as horrified as people were by our situation, I wanted them to see her. I wanted to make her real to them. Gavin’s photos certainly did that, and so much more.
Our walls are adorned with photos of our baby girl. We could only hope that in time to come, they would be adorned with more photos of living children that would hopefully follow her brief life and tragic passing.
Six months later, pregnancy test barely dry, life had changed again. Our second child, a little boy this time, was on the way.
Nine months later, 15 months after the death of the big sister he would never meet, our Angus was born. And he let out a mighty roar at birth, to let us know he was alive and well. The sweetest sound we ever did hear.
Just a few days old in hospital, we knew we needed to capture some of these precious moments on film. And we couldn’t think of anyone better to ask than Gavin to come back and capture our magic moments as a new family of four.
In the months after Hope’s death, I struck up a relationship, mostly through the wonders of email, with Gavin and his wife, who had also experienced the loss of a precious daughter before birth. You might not have anything at all in common with someone, but if you share the loss of a child, you know there is a bond that you’ll never be able to break. For only other parents who have had to bury their offspring will ever truly understand your pain.
Gavin, his wife and their young son came in to our hospital room and took dozens of photos of my husband, Angus and myself.
The mood was much, much lighter. Everything was so different this time. The sun shone through the windows and kissed our boy’s face. There were no tears, no darkness and no deep ache in the pit of our stomachs. He was here. He was alive and he was the most healing gift we could have ever received.
Welcoming Angus
Photos of both our babies now adorn our walls. Our little Hope who taught us exactly how precious life is and our thriving little boy Angus who fills our life with joy each and every day.
We treasure all our photos equally. We love both our children equally. We just wish they were both here.
Sally Heppleston
Thank you for sharing this Gavin
Beautiful Sal. Thankyou Gavin.
xxoo
what a beautiful article, I am sharing it everywhere! xx
truly touching.
wonderful article sal and thank you gavin for taking such beautiful photos of hope. its so nice to see your smile in the photo with angus. xo
Sal – so beautiful. Tears all over again. Thanks Gavin for your gift to Sallly, Simon, Hope and Angus
I have goosebumps and tears, and all the emotions that go with it. Such a bittersweet story, and one that really does highlight the importance of the work of the ACOCP. Thanks for sharing it Gavin x
A wonderful article Sally. And what a truly generous person you are, Gavin. I wish there were Gavin Blue’s everywhere.
Nice article Sally…well written. A wonderful memoir……
I need a box of tissues, what a touching story. Thank you for sharing.
Beautiful Sally – thank you for what you do Gavin.
Beautifully written, Sally. We didn’t know about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographers in Canada and missed out on the professional photos of our George. Your experience underscores how meaningful these photos are. I’m so glad you’ve shared about Hope and Angus and the photos are just lovely of both your precious babies. xo
Truly amazing, Sally. I am so glad that you have all of those pictures and memories… thank you.
I work in a maternity and have the pleasure and sorrow of being part of stories like this one every day. I wish that someone in our area did what you do. It is so important for families to have something to preserve the memories of their precious child. Keep up the great work
Hi Amy,
Where is your area? The may be an organization that covers you region.
http://www.acocp.org.au for Australia
http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org has members around the world
Regards
Gavin Blue
Hopefully I’ll be writing something similar to the end of this article in my own blog sometime soon… My son was stillborn at the end of February, and we had our ACOCP shoot (with Jessie) at his funeral. We didn’t know about them until I was out and we had to leave him at the hospital, so I’m grateful that Jessie was able to come out. We’ll be using her again for our future children – the preview photos we have so far are a million times better than our wedding photos!
I really hope the ACOCP gets all the publicity and donations they deserve – they do such wonderful work for those of us who need it most. Thank you so much.
Hi Tenielle,
I only had contact with Scott as he called to organize an ACOCP photographer. It warms me to hear how much you cherish the photos Jessie did for you.
We give our skills to make a difference to people in your situation.
Regards
Gavin
What an amazing person you are Sally to be able to share your story. I cried buckets of tears whilst reading it. The photos of Hope are beautiful and I am so glad that Gavin was able to take them. What a wonderful service to provide people at a time when they probably are struggling to think about such things and therefore might not have these keepsakes in the future. Gavin thank you so much for being involved in this wonderful service particularly in view of the fact you have a similar story. I admire and thank both of you.
Oh this article made me cry. So eloquent, so touching. I so wish you could have been there for me when my baby girl passed away too. ?
Touching story……
Wonderful and Touching Story thankyou to everyone involved for sharing ? to all
What a really precious story……thank you for sharing it. Gavin, you must be a heaven sent Angel, you gave a this family a very special treasure box of memories in the images that you captured. Hugs M xxxx
wow, this is such a beautiful story, you’ve touched so many lives with your honesty and brought a shining light to the saddened hearts of silently suffering parents. There is promise of new life. Thankyou so much for sharing this with such sincerity.
What a beautiful story! Thank you so much for sharing! xx
What a touching story. We lost our sweet baby at thirteen weeks. The loss of a child does add to how you value life and hope and joy. Please keep up the great work!
What a beautiful start to their live together and how precious and brave the parents were to take the pics.
Their daughter will always be with them and part of their family! Thanks for posting this feature.
Beautiful… how can we donate… and i also hear there is soon to be a melbourne exhibition with other touching stories of precious children and their families and even some real miracle bubs… are you able to tell us the details of the exhibition?
Thank you Lisa,
If you wish you can donate via the acocp website at http://www.acocp.org.au
I will post exhibition details as soon as I know them. The exhibition is called “heartfelt”
Regards
Gavin